Deep Thoughts: Two Levels of Life

Human existence is a funny thing. We are asked to exist simultaneously in the realm of the miraculous and the realm of the mundane. The most fundamental elements of our existence are all mysterious. What is consciousness? What is reality, and why is it here? Do I have a soul, or am I a constantly changing collection of elements with no permanent identity? Is there a God? What is time? What is space? And of course, why do we have to die, and what happends when we do? Not to mention the mysteries of the mind: memory, dreams, desires. We are constantly confronted by tiny miracles. An artist creates something from nothing. A child is born, creating consciousness out of lifeless matter. Two people have a conversation, and somehow form a conduit through which individual minds connect to each other across lifeless space. Sometimes they can even make each other laugh, and jesus, what the hell is laughter?

We are completely surrounded and inundated by this realm of magic, mystery, and miracle. Seen through this lens, life can be awe-inspiring, terrifying, thrilling, wondrous, and debilitating.

Even in the midst of these truths, we must live everyday lives. We have to do the dishes and the laundry. We have to go to work and go to the grocery store. We have to change diapers and call our moms. We mow the grass. We have to run our countries, pave the roads, fight wars, and dig for oil. I have to move all my shit and get my haircut. I need to exercise and eat right. I need to find a girlfriend. I need to vote. I laugh at a funny joke. I send my friend a dirty text message. I watch Spider Man, or the Killer Eye, or Steven Segal movies.

It is a source of some anxiety, this requirement to live in both the existential and the everyday worlds. There is, one might say, some degree of cognitive dissonance. Sometimes I feel like everybody else is better at tuning out the existential realities. They are mysterious and wondrous, but they are not, by any means, safe. They are not cute and cuddly. They are like God, and indeed, some people would basically equate the two. As John the Baptist says to Jesus in the Last Temptation of Christ, "Do you think Love is God's only way? Go to the Dead Sea, look at the bottom. You'll find two whores: Sodom, and Gamorrah."


Looking back at my life, I think I've always been a little more sensitive to this aspect of reality. Who knows what predisposed me to it. That's what drew me to religion and philosophy. I wanted answers to those mysteries, so I could feel a little less overwhelmed by them. But, I think maybe it was a mistake to follow those impulses, because the mysteries just get deeper and deeper. Now, it's hard for me to embrace the everday.

So, if you ever hear me describe myself as weird or crazy or neurotic, this is what I'm talking about. I just mean that more than most folks, I say to myself, "holy shit...I'm gonna die, and I don't even know who, what, or why I am" or some such overwhelming question. (not too mention, "holy shit...there are a lot of poor people and the world is melting and there are wars! or some such question that exists somewhere between the everday and the existential).

Buddha was a smart man. I think he understood that mystery surrounds us, and indeed, we are the most mysterious thing of all. We are not what we think we are. Don't try to fight it....accept that existence is bigger than you. We "suffer" the world. Existence happens TO us, whether we like it or not. So, learn to just let yourself laugh at that fart joke. Learn to be there with your lover. Don't let the fear of being alive take from you the joy of being alive. It's a good goal.

Power to tax is the power to destroy

Man.

What a piece of work he is. From how many of the few will he turn to protect the many?

Judgement.

William K. Clifford: It is wrong, always and everywhere, to believe anything upon the basis of insufficient evidence.

William James: Desire will create its own evidence.

Pascal: Judgement and belief are like bets. Any good bet takes into account both the expected value and the variance of any action.

Subservience.

Eichman:
I was only following orders.

Elvis?
It's good to be the king.

Mao
All power comes at the end of a gun barrell.

Fish stories

It's official. My job is boring. Nothing even remotely exciting, death defying, or heroic is going to happen to me, or be done by me, at work.

So, I've taken to little bursts of stream-of-consciousness lies about my day.

Like today, what I really did was have a few people sign some forms. then I played banjo for an hour or so. then I left. that part's all true.

But, if somebody asked me what I did today, I might say. oh, not much...I ate a demon cat and fought a giant ninja with moon shaped throwing starts. I built a fort in a treehouse and caught a snake with my barehands. I climbed a mountain with a falcon and saw winnie the pooh cooking meth. I lashed together a raft made from cornflakes and gum to whitewater down the razor river of pirrahnas. I lifted a car off a dying superbaby and took the burden of his powers from him for 20 years. magic carpet genie flying bomb nazi tank helmet race escape!

It was an ok day.

workin for the weekend

So this is the weekend, and what have we done? Frolicking about and drinking, so the world can live as one.

I saw Spider Man 3, and I enjoyed it. The criticisms of it that I've heard have been accurate, but unduly weighted. The sited drawbacks of the film weren't important enough to detract significantly from my thorough enjoyment.

I've been watching Firefly, the space cowboy series created by Buffy creator Joss Whedon, and I've also thoroughly enjoyed it. I'm very surprised that it only ran for one season. I'm trying to catch up on Heroes, too.

It's very important that I discipline myself to watch more television.

I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed by this whole "working" thing. For a lot of reasons, it's been incredibly stressful. For one thing, it's really amplified my being-aloneness. After a day of work, I could really use some love from a warm, soft, pretty, sweet smelling woman. I've been pretty fortunate to be able to largely fend off feelings of loneliness during the past few years of single-dom, because I have had a few very close friendships. But as much as I love my friends, they can't provide the snuggle-fests I'm craving these days (also, sex would be nice).

One of my good friends is my roommate, who's moving out this week. This will initiate at least 14 months of living alone. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. By August, I'm betting that I'll be having long conversations with myself every night. Maybe it will spur me to be more aggressive and pro-active about dating and meeting women. I will also have more room in the fridge, which will be nice. I'm going to take out the shelves and cram in as many giant, wholesale containers of yogurt that I can find. That's what I'm gonna eat from now on. It's so creamy and refreshing.

The other overwhelming factor is feeling like a grown-up for the first time in my life, in both good ways and bad ways. The short term goals and progressions of academia suit me well. I've always been very good at and comfortable in school. I just hope that I can both survive mentally and succeed at my job in an endeavor that has more cyclical and long-term goals. I didn't express that very well, but you know what I mean, right? Academia is more like a series of sprints, and the job seems more like a marathon. I've always been naturally suited more for the former, both literally and metaphorically.

Ok, enough thinking about work when I'm not at work. They don't pay me to do that, so I shouldn't, right?

I'll try to write more. Sorry for my sloth.

Dive on in

Eat me, world. I'm nutritious.

post-partem erection

I am done with this god forsaken semester! I had TWO semester-long group projects. Thank the holy gods that my group members were competent and likeable. My classes this semester were:

Public Program Evaluation
Management in the Nonprofit Sector
Statistics 2 (fun with regression analysis)
and,
The Privatization of Surface Transportation Infrastructure (TOLL ROADS, MAN!)

This was a hard and annoying semester, but I did learn at least a few useful things. My grades could be anywhere between straight Cs and straight As. I prefer curved Ass, but you can't always get what you want.

Two more classes left before they give me my wonk diploma. I'll do the nonprofit fundraising class in the fall, and cost-benefit analysis in the spring. Then I'll graduate with my MPA, concentrations in nonprofit management and policy analysis. I will be a charity wonk. I will be a wonky bleeding heart. I will probably end up abandoning it all to start a pickle factory, or a one-stop shop wine/book/coffee/chainsaw store.

Starting work bright and early tomorrow. Is it bad to start your first day with a hangover?