PC Load Letter?

I can't sleep. too much coffee.

My life feels really weird right now. Maybe it was the three raccoons that sneaked (not snuck) into our living room tonight. One got treed on the ledge above our sliding glass door. My roommate had to knock it off with a broom.

Dang raccoons!

Here's the dominant question of my life right now: who the fuck am I?

I've just joined a club that I'm not sure I want to be a part of. It's called social science. Am I really a scientist? Well, no, but none of us newbies are yet. But do I want to be a scientist?

I don't know!

I'm acting as if I do. I'm passing. Every attempt I've made to figure out what I really want has failed. And figuring out what I want is tantamount to figuring out who I am. What do I really want to do? Well, a lot of different things (you'll recognize this theme from previous posts). Mostly I want to do nothing.

A quote from one of the great Zeitgeist-capturing movies of all time, Office Space.

"What would I do if I had a million dollars? Nothing. I would do nothing. I would sit on my ass, all day...I would do nothing."

At heart, I'm fucking lazy, and that's the way it is. I don't exactly want to do nothing. I just want to do a few different things a little bit. I like listening to the news, reading the paper, chatting on the internet, playing music, writing songs, reading books, watching movies, cooking, eating, drinking booze, hanging with friends, playing board games, working with kids...occasionally doing some sort of exercise or activity, like going to plays or farmer's markets or rock shows.

I also have some ethical impulses: I'd like the world to be better, safer, more just, possessed of less suffering, more sustainable. So one of the few things I want to do a little bit is to do some work toward those goals (volunteering in some capacity I guess).

So, what the hell am I doing this PhD for? I don't want to be a great scientist, making academic breakthroughs! You have to work too damn hard for that. I just want an interesting job that gives me a lot of flexibility, autonomy, free time, and a lower middle class salary.

Academia is soooo weird. It's exactly like The Glass Bead Game (novel by Herman Hesse). In the Glass Bead Game, the highest achievement in the culture of this mythical place is the Glass Bead Game, and the main character, Magister Ludie, spends his life mastering it, only to die when he tries to re-enter the real world.

Most of the classical disciplines explicitly don't care AT ALL about the practical implications of their work. They exist entirely to talk to the tiny world consisting of others in their field, and they're very up front about that. It's a self-perpetuating game of mutual masturbation. Thankfully, my field, public policy, is somewhat more interested in making an impact on the world, but I'm still learning how and to what extent. Even though I know I'm a nerd and even though I DO indeed get interested in pointless theoretical issues, I don't know if I'd be compelled for a lifetime in figuring out how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.

I'm babbling. I need to bring these thoughts together into some coherence.

Ok, here goes. I came to academia because I thought it would be a better fit than a 9-5. I guess I'm worried I might have been wrong. Maybe there's a 9-5 out there that I would really enjoy and that would not consume my life. Or that, maybe there's a third way. Like, part time work combined with food stamps and public housing or something like that. Is that crazy? People do that stuff, you know.

Here's another way to put it: I know that this experience is going to change me if I let it. Eventually, being in academia will come to constitute my identity. I will come to see myself as part of that club, and at least part of my present identity will slowly erode away. I guess I'm worried that academia will consume my life and that I'll end up a boring, joyless, masturbatory social scientist who enjoys neither his life, nor his work, nor has any impact on the world. I mean, I see my teachers, and I ask myself, do I want to be them? For the most part, the answer is no. They don't seem to really have any personalities outside of their interest in their fields. I don't want that! I want to have a life outside of my work. I know that I must pay a price for that...the price being that I won't be at the top of the heap. I'll make less money, have less prestige, etc. I'm very willing to make that trade, if it's available.

Long and rambling...sorry, dear readers.