feeling better

Ok, I'm feeling a bit better about all of this. Though I'm very broke and will likely have to take out a small student loan, which I really didn't want to have to do. I don't think I have too much of a choice, though. I have to buy books, and I have mandatory fees that the school can't wave. I also have to pay rent. The school very retardedly doesn't pay us until Sept. 15. I'm in a tight spot.

I'm kind of an idiot when it comes to money. If there were debter's prison in the U.S., I have no doubt that I would eventually end up there.

All the money stuff notwithstanding, I'm feeling better about the actual PhD. I really need to keep in mind that they're training us to be like them...to be academic researchers at R1 institutions (large research universities). They make the most money and tend to publish a lot and are well known. I don't necessarily want to do that. I would probably be happier at a small college that focuses on teaching or less prestigious state school. Hell, perhaps even community college. I am not an amibitious man...I just want to be my own boss, focus on interesting topics, teach, and have a flexible schedule. I don't need to make any breakthroughs or be famous or even make much money.

And, I keep reminding myself that there isn't a huge drawback for dropping out. I'll just go do something else, but I'll have a few extra skills to draw on. I'm getting better and better at living on less and less..so, i could conceivably just get some part-time gig and just spend my days watching free stuff on the internet and playing music. Or, i could get back into nonprofit fundraising. Folks are always looking for fundraisers.

Thank God for the good Dr. Weiskopf, may he rest in peace. My old shrink said to me once, "so, what makes you think that, if you got into a situation you didn't like, that you couldn't get out of it?" He's right. This isn't a race...try things out. If you don't like it, try something else.