The Mindfuck

Death is a mindfuck.

You know, I never read any Camus, but I've heard good things. I think it was him who said that the only real question facing a human being is that of suicide. I agree. A while back, I kinda decided that I'm done with that question and pretty much gonna stay among the breathing.

When Spike, one of the good vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, was about to die, Buffy offered to save him. He said, "no. I want to see how it ends." I respect that, and when my body quits working, I'll probably have a similar attitude, and may even hasten the process. But until then, you know, I want to hear the story! I want to see what happens!

But back to the death thing.. once you've answered that question of suicide, you're basically settling in for the show. You're resolved. You're riding the train to the terminus. And maybe you kinda stop squirming and just accept that the seats in the bus aren't as comfortable as you'd like, and you start to let the images kind of flow over you, cause what else are you gonna do? You're not getting off...you already decided that. And you start to see the beautiful and mysterious swirl of pain and joy, of life and death. It doesn't really make any more sense, but it is kind of pretty. You start to see the shape of it...of life, of how it's been forever and how it'll be until human life as we know it is over. It's the same. But, then again, it's new! You're still in it! And I am blessed to live in very, very interesting times. Hell, it's worth breathing just to see what the hell happens! And you float in and out, into engagement, and back to detachment. When engaged, you feel the sorrow or you feel the joy. When detached, you feel something else...amusement sort of. Wonder. Awe. Cause you see the whole picture and don't understand it, but it's beautiful.

I read a little pamphlet once about Kazantzakis, who wrote the Last Temptation of Christ. He used an image to describe life that stuck in my head. I forget his words, but it was essentially like a meteor with a huge tail. The tail was death, and on the very front was a thin plane of life, constantly being desolved into the tail. And it progressed through time like that...a think sheet life constantly being born to burn off into the long tail of death. I think that's what he called God. Interesting image anyway.

There's no getting your head around it. Death that is. It's too big. There's no real acceptance. It'll crush your brain like a grape. It's not scary, it's just..overwhelming. It's the ultimate mindfuck.

And once you're resolved to riding the train until it's your time to get off, you have to learn to, I don't know...not make friends with it exactly. But just maybe nod your head to him. He's part of the picture, and the picture is kinda pretty. He's not gonna be your buddy, but he's gonna be around, a lot, until he kicks you off the train.

God, I'm mixing metaphors like a metaphor whore!