Mistake Your Shyness for Aloofness

"Try to be pure at heart, they arrest you for robbery,
Mistake your shyness for aloofness, your shyness for snobbery"
Bob Dylan
The Groom's Still Waiting at the Altar

Women have long complained about the contradictory expectations placed upon them by the culture. Career/motherhood. Madonna/Whore. Independent/Submissive. (Female readers, feel free to add more of these in the comments section).

I was thinking today of a similar set of contradictory expectations placed upon men in this culture. I suppose I would call it assertive/respectful. When it comes to meeting women, we are presented with both of these norms of behavior. Oh, confidence is so sexy! You have to let a woman know that you're interested! Don't be afraid to make your move! Nice guys finish last!

On the other hand, we are told "be nice! Be respectful! Don't be a douche or a creep or a d-bag or a scheez or a creeper" or whatever.
I'm not saying that these things are mutually exclusive exactly. It's definitely possible to do both, but it's hard.

I think this contradiction exists as a general social pheneomenon, not relegated to the dating world. People are taught to be respectful, but then they're chastised for being introverts! Anyone reading this blog or who knows me personally is well aware of my penchant for tasteless and offensive humor. I revere very little but the humor I derive from mocking things others revere. But I don't unleash that on strangers! Because a whole lot of people would find my viewpoints and sense of humor horribly offensive and startling! I try to respect that and to interact with strangers using a modicum of composure, restraint, and decorum.

I also know that, when I'm a stranger in new place with a new group of people, it's sensible and polite to recognize that I am not automatically the most important item in town. Perhaps it would be better to spend time getting to know a situation before asserting oneself as having a claim in that situation. cough cough..Iraq...cough cough.

On the other hand, people will often regard quiet, new people as aloof snobs, or as awkward weirdos. I'm sure I do this too! I know that I'm terrible at making strangers feel welcome in my social circles.

William James discusses this phenomenon quite perspicaciously. He talks about a misanthropic person going to a party. He's convinced that nobody will like him or want to talk to him. So, he goes to the party, and sits in the corner, staring at the floor. Nobody talks to him. He leaves, convinced that nobody likes him. Obviously,this is the proverbial self-fulfilling prophecy.

On the other hand, if it were my party, and some new dude showed up and was going on and on about himself and asking intrusive questions and being loud and boisterous, I'd say "Who the fuck does this guy think he is?!" And then I'd poop on him.